Wednesday, 28 May 2014
Mission Luggage
This narrative story that I made was a crazy adventure for me. It's a one in a life time chance to get this. But trust me you wouldn't want this to happen to you. Well at least there is always a happy little surprise at the end. So if you wan't to waste time by reading what I'm saying, stop and go and read my last narrative writing of the year called Mission Luggage!
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I think that you did a really good job describing how you felt, and I really like the surprise at the end! I really like your background because it totally matched the story. Overall I think that you did a good job.
ReplyDeleteOn the second paragraph you don't say "Where was our luggage." You say "Where our luggage was.". And on the third paragraph when you say... "Hello, um our luggage is not here and we have been waiting for our luggage for 20 mins. You don't say luggage twice you say "Hello, um... Our luggage isn't here yet, and we have been waiting for it for about 20 minutes.". And when you were describing the old creaky guy at the counter, you didn't say THE old creaky guy at the counter so instead it says my dad questioned old creaky guy at the counter. After you say hello, you always say um a lot. Maybe just use a different transition word. Anyways, Really great job! Had fun reading it!
ReplyDeleteGood Job, but you are supposed to say "ma'am" instead of mam. This mam is just saying mom all weird! Great Job :D!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Meaghan but you still have lots of detail just make sure your English is good. But nice job Amber. I always like your pieces because they're very clear and easy to read.
DeleteI love your title, the minute I saw it I knew that I wanted to read it. There are a few punctuation mistakes here and there. How old were you when this happened? I can't imagine how terrified I would have been if my luggage with all of my presents went missing. It must have been like a Christmas present to get your luggage back.
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